A journey through Wonderland, a Euphemism for hell.
Part I
This is not a story of my recent two years and the wonder of becoming a Father, and the pain that makes the above so relevant, Why? Simply because that is the subject of the software product I am creating called “Timeless Love.” Rather this is just a self admission that yes, I am as weird as you thought.
Now you may be looking at the title with befundled pessimism. Is this a sob story for a late diagnosis and a lengthy loneliness? Is this purely a linguistic exercise for Alex to try and use a tonne of alliteration while inserting various other literary forms for no other person’s entertainment but his own? No, this is my story of my journey with what I proudly call my “Weapon’s Grade Autism.”
It’s an affectionate title for what is actually quite painful and hellish. It IS NOT my beloved AUTISMO’s fault either, but the experience of being both ASD (Level 3 Support Needs) and ADHD with a side of something no one seems to be able to work out is both functional and can really hit those KPI’s that most employers don’t actually know they need, but dear god does it cause some massive issues.
My reason for writing this is that the impact on my life has become more pronounced whilst my professional and intellectual capacity has run away to some place that isn’t real and just generally makes me feel insane.
I just don’t want to feel isolated anymore. I ran my Men’s Health Event “Open the Man Cave” in Squamish because it felt like so many Men felt alone. Here I am trying to unmask and show neurodivergent folk that it definitely doesn’t feel like you are until time passes. Sad news flash then it becomes sad and lonely if you weren’t nurtured as the sensitive wonderful human you likely were… you were a behavioural problem and “Why?” was your worst behaviour. Except repeatedly saying “Chicken Sandwich” at some point that I recall causing immense anger in my Mother at my incessance. I’m so grateful for people like my sister and her son that support is available.
Human, Hard. Hume, Easy.
I don’t even like Hume’s perspective on the matter of Being or rationality so it’s purely for language purposes that I say that.
Anyway, to the pain of the matter. I was a very confused and very challenged child by the world. I had little to know about it. There is complexity involving my family of origin but that is separate to the matter under assessment.
It’s something not many know about me but I was deeply impacted by my conditions particularly the stereotypical Autism Spectrum Disorder presentations. I was a verbal child, I had a lot to say… but I had a lot to say about certain things. Things the community call “special interests.”
What can these look like?
They are something that you know beyond any detail about yourself that is possible. It is sometimes a hyperfocus if you are also ADHD (like which one of us isn’t?)
If you hear me talking about something I like. It is not something I have heard that one person you once heard say the same thing 100x’s. It’s the hundreds of sources, contemplation, in technical matters experimentation. Lastly, and every professional’s best friend, a disproportionate amount of “failure.” I am likely to be the dumbest person in the room and so happy to be that. It means I’m learning.
Experientially it is a complete pain. Deep and complex bass music is not just some “sweet bass” with a “not house” kick (4/4) but it is every repetitive element and the sound design required to make sure the sounds do not mix, interfere or cause death, destruction and Alex not to listen to the music. Every repeated pattern, intermediate sound and more. Rockclimbing all the protection, even if unclimbed by me, the experience of every move. Where was scary, where was chill.
It also means you want so little, so much but you can’t express it at all. 36 year old Alex is a lot better than 16 year old Alex but god can he not pick up what is being put down sometimes. Unless it’s a genre he’s never played, a topic he’s never heard or a something something.
This is hard to write, I’m going to leave it here and make some images…
Part 2 to come. Maybe.
Aylex Riom 